Ready, Set, Go!!!!

Good thing I moved to LA instead of Vegas because my journey has been filled with bad luck. Maybe not bad luck, let’s call it Dramatic Events. So this is the tale of Zoe’s Series of Dramatic Events.

Thursday, October 08 Dad and I packed my car and headed west about four hours behind schedule in true Kemper fashion, or what we like to call Kemper Time. Yes sad, but true, we Kemper’s live in our own time zone and it’s not Central. My Dad calls me every year a couple days before my birthday to confirm December 9th, he says he’s joking but I know it’s really because he can’t decide if it’s on the 8th, 9th or 10th. At least he’s in the right month! What more could a daughter ask for?

Four hours behind and rain pelting, we hit the road. My movers must have been on Kemper Time too, because they were a day late picking up my furniture and wardrobe. Not to mention before the moving truck pulled away, the two tattoo covered, booze and weed reeking, in search of Bob Evans restaurant truck drivers racked up a bill of packing materials and per-step charges of nearly double what I was quoted. Still in a rage over moving fees and only 2 suitcases in tow and my little dog Bambi, I felt ready for four days in the car with my favorite guy who has forgot the exact date of my birthday for the past 2_ years.

Every two hours, on the hour we stopped for Starbucks and a smoke break. Fyi: Dad is a chain smoker so on the smoke breaks he smoked not one but two or three cigarettes, while pumping gas and chatting it up on his cell phone presumably to my wicked step-mother. Who I am not and hopefully will never speak to again (a whole other story I won’t waste anyone’s time telling).

By the end of a fun filled day on the road I was ready to retire into a nice suite at the Ritz, unfortunately, Dad doesn’t share my taste in five-star hotels, so we called it a night at the Holiday Inn Express near Kansas City. Though Dad would never have sprung for the Ritz, I don’t think there is anything five-star near the entire state of Kansas, so dad was in luck! Of course the Holiday Inn was not pet-friendly and I had to smuggle B in passed the front desk attendant because the car was not parked on the side entrance of the hotel as the room, as a professional dog smuggler would do (not that I know).

With day one coming to a close, Dad hooked up his snoring machine, yes he uses a snore machine or he may stop breathing in the middle of the night and I’m not sure I am capable of administering CPR. Many years ago Dad’s father, Bill, and Dad were on a road trip similar to this one, long before snore machines were invented. Bill was very religious (in his own way) he always told everyone that God loved them and so did he, quoted bible scriptures often (but not in an annoying way) and adored my dad. On this particular business trip they were on, Dad started snoring like a gorilla, do gorilla’s snore…anyway he was snoring like something big and grizzly. When my Dad snores, it’s not just a flutter it’s a bump in the night that causes gagging, choking, non-breathing. But, the good news is: when he does stop breathing dad stops snoring but when he resumes breathing, he resumes snoring, even louder than the time before. Back to the business trip before snore machines, Dad was snoring, Bill wasn’t sleeping and being the ever faithful follower of his lord and savior J.C. Bill prayed that Dad would stop snoring so he could sleep. And stop snoring he did, but Dad also stopped breathing. After moments of non-breathing Bill prayed once again, for Dad to start snoring again so he wouldn’t have to attempt CPR, which I can neither confirm or deny that Bill knew how to perform. Lucky for an unborn me, Dad started breathing, Bill didn’t sleep that entire trip and I had a restful night thanks to technology.

With day one behind us and 500 miles closer to Los Angeles, despite the monsoon-like rain, we left Kansas City with a sunny outlook, to my dismay I should have been on the lookout, seriously.